Actress Mariette Hartley: “There must be no shame” for suicide survivors

From what I have read in this article, I seriously thought she knows anything beneficial or helpful that can be used in the prevention of suicide.

People kill themselves because they think of themselves as the owners and masters of their own lives. And that explains why suicide people don’t view themselves as murderers.

God himself gives the breath of life to each and everyone of us.. Any questions? No one who has the fear of God in himself or herself would ever commit suicide.. Understand yet?
Thank you and good day.

Good blog, but the broad scope of those who have had friends or relatives commit suicide have far too much to deal with to consider shame. Since only those with the unfortunate opportunity of the experience..I just want to advance to those in final preparation of ending their lives to know that suicide kills more than just one. Shame is the wrong word to use...GUILT is the closer noun to the condition left the decedents survivor's....caj

I understand the desire to stop living when life is too painful to endure.

My pets (a dog and a cat) are my main suicide-prevention devices.

Amen! We must be compassionate and show mercy. God bless.

Kumbayah ! I feel sorry for Mr. Hawking; he's lost is soul .

My mother attempted suicide several years prior to her death. She spent 87 years on this planet as the unhappiest, lonliness person I have ever known. She found criticism with everyone and everything and never gave a compliment with a big "but" attached. she would never admit she had errored as it was always someone else's fault. I believe she was bipolar and had implored her to get help when I was a teenager (my father had to drag her off of me when I said this). no one would listen. when she did attempt suicide i told my siblings "I told you so" but they still refused to back me in my efforts to get her help. She refused medication and continued to spiril out of control until her death. I wish I could have done more but know that I did my best. I only hope that my mother has now found peace.

My husband of 48 years committed suicide last December by putting a plastic bag over his head. He had always been extremely health and fitness concious and could not deal with an as yet undiagnosed physical decline ( 40 lbs. weight loss in 4 months, neurological symptoms). All gastro/liver/kidney/pancreas tests were negative and neurological tests were in progress, but he was convinced that whatever he had was not only progressive, but irreversible. Perhaps he thought that he was sparing me a life as a long term care giver to an invalid. He did me no favors. Fortunately, I sought the help of a psychiatrist, who helped me comed to terms with the guilt ( why had I not recognized the severity of his suicidal depression.) and the PTSD of finding his body.

My advice to anyone unfortunate enough to be in this situation is to seek professional help early on. This is beyond the ability of even the strongest people ( as I thought of myself) to cope without serious help. If possible, one-on-one help is better than a group. I did not want to hear about anyone else's trauma when I was so consumed with my own.

Now, nine months later, I have the philosophy " Say Yes!" to support from friends and family, to opportunity to socialize and attend cultural events and to do physical things ( I play tennis several times a week). Even when my mind is saying, "no, I don't feel like it today," I now say, "Yes!." It helps.

Dear Mariette,
Thank you for being so candid about your life and it's trials. You have always been a shining star to me and I will always laugh about you with James Garner and the 'short ladder'.
An old soul,
Mary Jean

I wonder if the answer that escapes us is simply that God is a scientist.

Wow, Kathie, I feel for you. I admire your honesty and courage in trying to help your mother.

if god is as good as you learn it why let a chrild die of hunger .why not come like he did befor and stop the war..

Man is the creator. Look around. God was created in Man's Image, not the other way around. We talk of God in manly words and description.
I am a pantheist and believe God is nature and all the natual laws are omnipotent.

s.cience is mankind's vain attempt to understand and explain GOD's work,which is infinite and way beyond our realm of understanding. We are likely to witness a supernatural event before any evolutionary event

If God created Universe , who created God, and if gthe answer is God excisted for ever , so has Universe which is proven , unlike GOD .
Univere is perpetual , it is created and recreated after it collapses into a big black hole .
Time is timeless, as is Universe.
God is a crutch used by Human being.
God did not create Man , Man created GOD.
We need some unknown power to depend on and blame for our good and bad.
God is fiction.

it said clearly at the beging of the bible tha tword was with god and its start fron their so why any body needs to debate it or other theory with it is a question of mans stupidity

I would like to thank this lady for sharing her story with us and for what she and others are doing in regards to this. Hats off to them all. We can all learn from it and not feel so alone in our problems and it helps give one strength. God bless!

Jehovah God is OMNIPOTENT! (All-Powerful). We cannot question him, although one likes to. As he is a spirit, and cannot be seen by mere mortals with the naked eye..........if one believes, one walks by faith. Now faith is believing that which you cannot see.

One can get closer to God just by observing nature and the beauty all around us. In the miracle of all life, in a beautiful flower etc., etc. All that he provides to sustain us and our very existence. Because our world is a fallen world through Satan.........it is imperfect.

Above all, GOD IS LOVE!

For a moment think about the end of the universe. Where is that? Is there that? It is so far beyond what we are able to comprehend? Maybe God waits for us there to show us the rest.

Jessie from Auckland, NZ & Gary...

You are in the right church, but your are in the wrong pew..lol ..caj

Joyce Z.

I copy 100% on where you have been and are...An idle suggestion...write your feelings down and experiences and then write some more...and next thing you know you will find distance and acceptance..I want to be quite fair and honest...9 months is still the beginning of your tribulations, but it can be shortened and less of a discomfort by writing..Try it..caj

Joe,
The fear of God may prevent some believers from committing suicide, but that is not the only reason. Many atheists, including me, would never consider doing this. The fact that I do not believe in a " better place in the life hereafter" makes me want to embrace THIS life even more. Yes, my husband thought that he was "owner" of his life. This was his personality type, not related to religious/nonreligious beliefs.

My way or the high way. Absinthe make the heart grow fonder.

LTaHrry God created the Universe just as he created Heaven Earth.He is A Triune God. meaning Godis the Father, Jesus Christ is the Son and tthehe third member of theTrinity is the Holy Spirit. of God often referred toGod as the Holy Ghost. Acts 1 verses 1 thru 8 .I know of two Men Gthatod has taken their Spirit to Heaven when they returned they rephhorted that the street were paved with Gold .Jesus said in my Fathers house are many Mansion they said every one in Heaven had a Mansion.

Lucy, I understand. People who have not endured our pain have no idea how hard it is to choose life. You and I are the true suicide survivors because we have so far survived. I have one dog and two cats.

Go to the One minute Cure, Website If You have Cancer.Diabetes ect.

I don't find the blog very helpful, and the hijacking by people more intent on proselytizing than discussing a serious problem is repulsive. Hey, why don't you just pray to end suicide and help us all out?

My son killed himself three years ago. Survival was not much of a problem because one really has no choice. On the other hand, much can be done to prevent suicide. Mandatory teaching in high-school hygiene about the causes, at-risk situations, signs of potential suicide, and what to do about it would be a good first step. Another is some relaxing of medical confidentiality rules so that the loved ones of an at-risk, suicidal patient can be alerted and work with the medical team to prevent a suicide is another. There need to be PSA's about suicide prevention. Why should we all know to see a Dr. for erections lasting over 4 hrs but not the signs of bipolar disorder?

This is a serious problem. It is hard to imagine a greater tragedy that can affect a family.

I don't beleive God created the Universe. The Universe was created out chaos and disorder because of evolution, however I beleive hat God is the great organizer in making each of us a cell if you will to create a consiousness to bring order out of disorder. So, we are all a small particle of what we know as "God" but all somehow part of whole that creates the universe that we know as "now"

To seperate God from science is silly. God is science, politics, mathematics, etc.....the big bang was god, the debris is the universe!

Socrates

You last sentence..your loss...the time past...your son...ditto..caj

Are the relatives of a person who dies of cancer called cancer survivors? No, the person who battles and survives cancer is called a cancer survivor.
Are the relatives and friends of a person who dies in a hurricane called hurricane survivors? No, the person who survives the hurricane is called a hurricane survivor.
Are the relatives and friends of veteran who survives a war called war survivors? No, the veteran is the survivor.
Then why are the relatives and friends of those who commit suicide called suicide survivors? We who are suicidal all our lives, but have lived and survived, we are the suicide survivors.

Dear Mariette,
My heart goes out to you and others who have shared this horrible, tragic experience. I prefer to not call us "Survivors of Suicide" because I feel that WE don't really survive, but who we are in our souls, is forever changed.
In 1962 my father committed suicide when I was almost 12 years old. He had survived World War II, all of the guilt of living when others didn't, became an alcoholic and in retrospect, I believe suffered from PTSD. He was a career military man, loved his family, had integrity yet his mental illness was untreatable at that time.
My sister, who was a kind, compassionate and talented ER nurse committed suicide in 1998. She also was addicted to prescription drugs, was an alcoholic and had severe chronic depression. She could not find the help she needed.
For the past 2 years my older brother has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, rehab centers and yet was still intent on killing himself. In July, close to the anniversary of our father's death, and after many telephone calls and tears I flew back to Oklahoma, had an intervention and had him admitted to a dual diagnois/psychiatric hospital where he finally got the level of treatment he has needed. He is now in a 90 day dual diagnosis facility and wants to live.
I know that his ultimate survival depends on his comittment to the very hard work of healing and the level of care he is recieving.
It doesn't matter which comes first, the mental illness or the addictions which our loved ones are using while trying to cope. What does matter is that they have advocates who are not only willing but who are going to do everything possible to get them help. I haven't cared whose toes I stepped on or what boats I have rocked. I wasn't going to give up on him until he was sober, leveled out on the correct medications and could tell me that without a doubt he still wanted to die. Only then would I know that I had done all that I could.
Yes, we all suffer from guilt, based on what little we were able to do at the time or what little knowledge we had. Most of us were only children.
It is time for all of us in this wonderful country of ours to demand the care needed to help those we love. To stop this cycle of personal destruction which affects us all.
P. D. Oklahoma

Sharon and Patti d.

First time I have ever heard of a decedent's survivor's call "suicide survivors". I think Mariette Hartley is tossing out a bone for pity that is only a way to extend the agony of her loss...caj

Not true, caj. I did not say that I am a "survivor of suicide", because I am not. I was and am forever changed by my personal experiences of suicide.
My feelings are that only the people who try to kill themselves and survive should be called that. It could be that some loved ones of people who were sucessful in killing themselves may need to have a label for what they have gone through emotionaly.
If a group of people want to label themselves in order to get through the pain, what does it matter?
It doesn't to me....pd

Against the Stigma of Suicide is my 32 page treatise on the science and theology that offers explanations without condemnation. The experience of over four months in a mental hospital with others who were suicidal impelled me as a theologian and multi-year NAMI member and newsletter editor ... impelled me to address both the conditions that drive people to suicide and the scriptures that have a negative word only concerning Judas Iscariot of whom Jesus said that Judas came from hell and he returned there. King David's priest and others bear no such negativity. History shows early Christians embracing death in the face of persecution and only after the organized "church" feared losing people to an embrace of dying to join the presence of God ... only then did the stigma get forced upon people and their families. May God preserve us from church traditions that neglect and oppose the very Word of God.

I am continually amazed by the compassion of some people and the enormous ignorance of others. People talk about suicide, choice and selfishness all in the same breath. They bring God and moral judgement into the mix. They debate the words "survivor of suicide" and make disparaging comments. Unless you have or had a brain illness or ever seriously contemplated suicide or lived in the aftermath of the death of loved one to suicide....you have no idea what you are talking about. NONE. I will even go as far to say that you have no right to an opinion or to even comment on the matter. It is time to stop argueing like children and come together to help prevent suicide deaths. How about being on board for that task. P

This is for those of you who have no compasion or understanding regarding suicie, That is the reason why suicide is not talk about and is a subject nobody wants to understand a "stigma" far be it from me to convince you people otherwise, that is until you are a Survivor, then maybe you will even begin to under to the effects of mental health illness has on a person and why suicide happens. Take some of your energy and help rather than judge other people and what happens to them, talk about prevention and help people to seek treatment for mental health conditon, Then maybe just maybe there will be no more suicides. By the way, I don't know who your God is but my god does not punish people who are sick, and people with mental heatlh illness have a disease just like any other disease. Please fight for Prevention of suicide, we need your support not your criticism.
Robin (survivor of suicide)

I have been both kinds of "suicide survivors" – as one who made an attempt at age 28 and one who came within a hair's breadth of yet another; and as the mother-in-law of a man who was like a son to me.

Those of you who speaks so cruelly of both don't have a clue what you are talking about.

My son-in-law was an amazing human being and an outstanding physician, but he suffered from bipolar disorder.

I have heard that three out o of every 5 persons with bipolar end up completing suicide. Suicide attempts and completions are manifestations of a "broken brain." Just as nobody can carry a load with broken arms, so also also is it impossible to think rationally with a broken brain.

When you are in the depths of your despair, your brain lies to you. It tells you such lies as: "my family would be better off without me." And "I am powerless to change my life." And "the best thing I can do for the people who love me is to leave this world." And "I keep hurting the people I love but I am powerless to stop." And "I am absolutely, totally worthless – a waste of space and oxygen."

Those tapes and similar ones keep running through your head, and they get louder, making it next to impossible for you to hear or give credence to more rational thoughts. You withdraw from everyone who could contradict those cruel ruminations, either physically or emotionally.

You learn to put on an act of normalcy, as you have done so well in the past. You know how to pretend everything is just fine, all the while you are plotting the best, most effective way to complete the act. If you are someone like my son-in-law, with what up until recently was a successful physician's career, you are very practiced at hiding your emotions, because otherwise you could never earn a living.

You do this because your biggest fear is that others will discover the "real" person inside you – the worthless waste of space. Unlike someone who has a physical illness, for instance, you cannot speak about your condition because it will be used against you. In my son-in-law's case that is exactly what happened. And it is supremely ironic that it was MEDICAL PERSONNEL – people who should KNOW better – who were viciously antagonistic toward him because of his condition, even though throughout his 15-year career as a physician he never let his condition interfere with his performance as a doctor.

It is precisely because he was so practiced at hiding his condition – something that would not have been necessary but for the stigma attached to mental illness – that no one close to him, not even his own psychiatrist, could see what was really happening.

When someone makes the choice to attempt suicide and selects a method that makes it impossible for someone else to intervene before the act's completion, it is because he or she believes this choice isn't just the best for him or herself but the best for everyone else.

In sum: by definition someone who is mentally ill isn't "thinking straight." All those rational arguments against making that choice – those work only when your brain is functioning properly. What is irrational to the "normal" person, the "broken brain" perceives as the only rational solution.

Mariette,
It was fullfeeling to read your short description, of your story. I like your style of writting. I have lived through manny, many emotional crisis.
My husband and I were a beautiful cople, full of love and dreams.
We worked together and build up a Company. But I had to endure manny horros produced by our older son adicctions! He was a wonderfull, loving son! but wrongly advised by his wrongs friends. My husband could not cope with it, and we were separated, My husband was a very sick man, he was a very jeouloes, always suspecting, that I was with other men, I thought at the beginning that it was because he loved me so much! unfortunete my son had to be a wittness of his rage against me! I never told any one about this.

Thank you CNN for putting this information out to the public.There should be more talk about it, so we can prevent it. Especially talk about depression and suicide. Everyone is so ashamed or embarrased to talk about it, and as a result, it makes it hard for people who are depressed or suicidal to reach out.

Unless you have lost a family member or someone close to death by suicide, please do not judge or criticize. You really don't know unless you have gone through a loss such as this.

There are some people's comments on here that are very very judgemental and disturbing. You DO NOT KNOW anything about this untill it happens to your family.... So get off your high horses !

Lots of love and hugs to people who have lost loved ones to death by suicide. You may never forget, but you will heal...

Patti d.

Sorry for not being more clearer, but I don't look at those who had someone they knew or loved that took their lives as a suicide survivor...they are just another victim. I understand exactly what you detailed in your blog, and it appears I did not make my blog to you and Sharon more definitive. I made the statement to Joyce Z. that suicide kills more than just one, meaning the survivors of the decedent suffer an emotional death. Good luck in life and take care...caj

Pain, sadness, depression, hopelessness, negativity in any way, shape or form comes from thinking and believing on a CARNAL level.

Jesus teaches all that follow Him how to think, comprehend and abide in His SPIRITUAL teachings. The more you learn about His spiritual teachings, the more you think, live and become spiritual.

Anyone who knows or suspects someone to be thinking and believing suicide is their only solution should immediately know this person is thinking on a CARNAL level and should get them immediately into a program where Jesus' spiritual teachings can be learned.

Best preacher(s) teaching the word of God, book by book, scripture by scripture can be heard on sheperdschapel.com

You can watch them on cable or satelite TV Sunday midnight to 12 Noon, Sunday through Thursday.

Peace.

Dearest Rosaleee...thank you so much for putting into such eloquent words that which I have been feeling since I lost my beautiful son. I was just as ignorant and confused as some of the others who have posted comments here until I made an effort to really learn and understand all that I could about suicide, depression and what happens inside the person who commits such an act.
It has been 3 years since Jamie left us and we who loved him have endured this terrible journey. We carry on because we believe this life is beautiful still and we have a responsibility to savour all that is there for us. Let our lives be a beacon for those who are in the dark, suffering with their "broken brain". And to those who love these suffering souls, bathe them in your love and see to it that they recieve the best of care available. Then love them some more. This is all you can do really.

For starters, can the definition of "Mental Illness" be changed to "Brain Illness"? That would go a long way in disspelling stigma. Then we need to understand that every single person out there is susceptible to a brain illness. Brain illnesses are not something that happens just to the other guy or just to the people with a diagnoses like Bi-polar disorder or Depression. Brain illnesses can happen to any of us if we are given difficult life circumstances that cause sufficient increased stress levels for an indetermined period of time. Under those circumstances we all will get sick. That means you, me, us. I said all of us so that no one feels too comfortable in thier own brain to think they are immunune to brain illness or suicide. Your not, so be careful when you judge others. When one is on a podium (pedestal) spouting off beliefs, they should use care... not to fall off and find out they are human like the rest of us.

Rosaleee is absolutely 100% correct. My brother committed suicide less than a year ago. No one understands, they try, but until it happens to you (which I wouldn't wish on anyone) you have no idea how hard it is to even wake up and go through the day. The pain is like no other. All of those quotes in the beginning of the story, I know went through his head. But, he was so wrong. SO WRONG. I am considered a "survivor" of suicide, because although I am still here, my life was destroyed when his ended. Everyday is a struggle, not one minute goes by that I don't think of him. He was my little brother, my whole life. It was my duty to protect him. I can only hope that he is in heaven with my dad looking down on my mom and myself. Hope that he is happy and not in pain anymore.But, honestly, I don't know if I even believe that. The GOD I grew up believing in wouldn't let my mom and me hurt so bad. He may as well took us too.

while I know you think you know what you are talking about I hope you never have to survive a love one killing them selves-there is no good by just a phone call to tell you your daughter is dead-until you walk in my shoes –and I hope you never have to –please have a little compassion–people with mental health issues are just as sick as some one with cancer-and I have lost people to that–its not the same -please try to understand–I know its hard-but use you heart not you head–ask yourself how you would fell it it was your friend or love one-WE DONT WANT YOUR PITY just your understanding –we all pray that it never happens again–to you or any one else-but if it does–think back about what you said to us-now how do you feel

God bless you for exposing this issue............your awesome.............
May we all find a way to release the pain of our pasts and our lineages. Amen

@Cajazz76:24:8 – September 10th, 2010 11:54 pm ET

Your worst nightmare again. What's up with the Gary, hmm.........and the pew, lol? Yeah, I know I can get carried away at times, you'll have to forgive me sorry. Take care!

Helene
I am so sorry about the death of your brother. Your pain is still so new and raw, it will soften in time.
Wini
I know you mean well, but anyone contemplating suicide should be seen immediatly by a medical professional not a spiritual teacher. Many who have taken their own lives have sought spiritual help. I'm not saying it isn't helpful to some but it has failed others miserable. I know of what I speak.

Jessie, from Auckland, NZ

I don't copy on who Gary is..??? Jessie never worry about where your heart leads you and what you say. You are a good person and always a pleasure to banter back and forth with. Take care and strive for happiness everyday of your life...caj

@Cajazz76:24:8 – September 14th, 2010 1:35 am ET

Appreciate your kind words, thank you. God bless!

I lost my sister to suicide 24 years ago this month. They are always missed. Love and support is the best we can do.

It's beauty that keeps me living. I fell in love with Ms Hartley ever since her days on Star Trek! Beautiful women, cars, the sea, the sky! Beauty!

Nice to know someone wants to take steps to help others who have been left behind by a suicide, or need that comfort of knowing that you are not the only one who feels that way. Her Grandfather wrote psychology books on raising children that may have created a whole generation of people who really can blame their parents for their problems. A "psycho"logist who was the father of behaviorism, and through his own stupid ego proved it with his own kids and anybody elses who bought into his line of thinking.

You keep it up Mariette !