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November 7, 2009

“Dating Violence is Preventable”

Posted: 04:29 PM ET

By Sheryl Cates
CEO, The Hotline and loveisrespect

Rihanna has shown tremendous courage in speaking out, and telling her story WILL SAVE LIVES.  artrihannagramgi

As a celebrity who is admired by millions of young women around the world, Rihanna has the ability to capture the attention of the nation and inspire others to leave an abusive relationship before it is too late.  She has chosen to speak out to ensure that young women going through similar situations will see that this is a serious issue and they need to take action.  Her voice will give courage to women who are suffering in silence to speak out and take action. 

I’ve been asked why Rihanna should feel embarrassed and ashamed and maybe even guilty, but these feelings are characteristic of what happens when violence takes place in an intimate relationship.  You love this person and he hurt you.  It still doesn’t mean that it is your fault.  The violence was a choice that the abuser made.

Rihanna’s experience illustrates the need for education in schools.  Dating violence is preventable.  It is not an accident.

I encourage anyone who is in an abusive relationship to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.  You can also visit www.thehotline.org for information.  We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to help victims of domestic violence.

If you are a teen, sign on for a live chat with a peer advocate at www.loveisrespect.org or call us at 1-866-331-9474.

Call us.  We are here to help 24 hours a day.

Filed under: Larry King Live


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Kathryn   November 7th, 2009 5:36 pm ET

Rihanna is not innocent in all of this but let us blame the real person for the violence – THE HOOKER in the middle. Had madame hooker not send the text, there would have been no fighting!

Black guys need to stop having multiple women. It looks ugly and disgusting on them. On the othe rhand, why has Brown gotten such a long probabtion when Lindsay Lohan who has done so much and has even disrespected a judge never jailed or placed on long probabtion?

Could Brown have been driving and biting simultaneously? Was Rihanna holding onto his "gear stick" which was so painful that he had to bite her to let go off of it? Rihanna, tell the truth! Am not sure that you have!


Kathryn   November 7th, 2009 5:43 pm ET

Let us hope that you are not being vindictive now that his video is coming out etc. Am sure that if he speaks out you could look not so good.

Why now Rihanna? Why now?

Where do I stand as a woman? I do not support either sex hitting the next.

Bear in mind that if he hits me, he will not have hands to hit another but the thing is, neither of us are kids and even kids fight back.

Are we going to start putting baby boys on looong probabtion?

If Rihanna hits him first, why should he not defend himself?

Did women not say that they want to be treated as men?

Don't men know how to give and take hits?

There are lots of abused men in this country?. Have we got sympathy for them or do we brush it off and say that they are men, they ought to be tough?

Is this not why so many of our men are in jail?

Just doign a check up. That is all. larry will suggest the prescription....lol


Gerald Jolly   November 7th, 2009 6:49 pm ET

Kathryn, what's your opinion on the claim that Rihanna made that Chris Brown forced her to eat and drink his body "WASTE"

PEEPEE and POOPOO


Jazzie   November 7th, 2009 7:30 pm ET

As far as this goes i believe Rihanna's story is biased i believe that there is still something that she is not telling whether it is in the interview or not however I completely unserstand that her being battered as she had been was unexceptable on Chris' behalf but I think there is another side to this story, there had to have been some type of provoking to cause this. I love and adore Chris and Rihanna and i really wish that it had not have happened to him this way but this incident just proves that he is only human and being a "celebrity" he too makes mistakes but this does not change the way I feel about Chris I will always love him dearly and support his career this just proves that he has flaws, those of that he may not be proud of but they exist in his life too.


Jazzie   November 7th, 2009 7:35 pm ET

i just don't believe Rihanna is telling the enitre truth. Think about it driving while holding her in a "headlock" and also biting her ear and left ring finger. How could he reach her left ring finger unless her hands weren't in his face. All of this took place while he was driving......it seems impossible to me.


Andrea Rohlehr-McAdam   November 7th, 2009 8:27 pm ET

I am not sure if the folks making the other comments saw the same 20/20 that I did. I found Rhianna believable and very open. Chris Brown beat that girl but she still has it in her to forgive him and to move on. I don't care if his career is over..If you abuse a woman then you pay whatever price that is. She was always a much bigger star than he was and despite the fact that he tried his best to damage her beautiful face he did not succeed. I'm sorry that he had such a messed up childhood but you just don't put your hands on someone who you claim to love. I truly believe everything she said. She told the whole story and I'm glad but clearly there are still people out there trying to justify his actions. They cannot be justified and he is getting just what he deserves.


TWJ   November 7th, 2009 10:10 pm ET

You just mentioned earlier ".....will this stop men from doing this"

What about the men who have been abused by women in domestic violence! I can vouch for that! This happens more than you think, men just dont bring it out into the public view!

Be fair, look at both sides of the issue!


James   November 7th, 2009 10:10 pm ET

I am a gay white man and have several times been victim of domestic violence by my black boyfriend. First few times I did nothing. Then I had him arrested, he got out on probation and I let him worm his way back in with me. Only a few months later, I had to have him arrested again and this time he went to prison, where he is now. Sadly, I know, I am still tempted to take him back.


SGT O'Neal   November 7th, 2009 10:10 pm ET

larry i love your show i know alot about what the media do. im from the famouse military unit from msnbc the tip of the spear from koreangaul valley in afgahnistan. and also here at ft hood. but this show u have tonite with these woman crying about being rich and famouse and being hit. wow really??? i know plenty of woman here in the military u have been through much more than these how do i say. spot light soakers. just saying its a waste of time and not impot@rtant


Kelli from Tampa   November 7th, 2009 10:12 pm ET

I am so proud of each and every one of you for coming foward and talking about these experiences. It is such a scary place to be. I know I have been there too. And there was such little help.


Oneal   November 7th, 2009 10:19 pm ET

a man cant hit a woman i agree. but now you just put woman on a standard that they are weaker than men. how about woman in the military i can tell you this first hand these woman in my infantry unit are so strong and they dont run and hide or search for the spot light on t.v. they deploy fight come back and stand up for them selfs as military woman why dont you do the same


Loreal   November 7th, 2009 10:23 pm ET

Rihanna drove him to violence in a jealous rage. She's as guilty as he is. Everyone needs to STOP talking about it.


Loreal   November 7th, 2009 10:27 pm ET

Larry King, why don't you focus on real world issues, like health care reform and the war. If you focused on meaningful issues, rather than isolated private events, you'd have a real show to watch. Your program has turned into a Jerry Springer episode.


timo   November 7th, 2009 10:28 pm ET

Rhi is a hero! Absolutely! She young and was in love with someone. The good times where probably good. They probably had a bond of similarities being in the biz. But, He is evil. He will not be healed, cured or get better. Sadly he will repeat his angry lashes out on someone else. And, we will just tune in and watch it happen again. Rhi has to distance herself from everything and anything that concerns this abuser. And, live a good life. Love will come again.


Luda Emil @New Orleans   November 7th, 2009 10:30 pm ET

Domestic violence not necessarily a result of upbringing in abusive environment: Poor upbringing can be a source: Some girls?women are verbally incessant/abusive. If a man does not walk away, like if at night, he will stop the woman by going on with a slap!
Let women think about how much they are verval bullies!


Oneal   November 7th, 2009 10:30 pm ET

stop calling ur selfs and others heros you hafe no clue what a true hero is and again ft. hood 1st id says be quite and go get drunk and do ur rich things you spot light soakers


timo   November 7th, 2009 10:31 pm ET

Stop!!! No men get abused! That's a fallacy. It does not happen.


Marlo Chamberlain   November 7th, 2009 10:34 pm ET

I was abused during my first marriage (1968-78). He started with verbal abuse and went on to physically abuse me. I know what women have experienced. My children know what how tragic this is. However, my sons have experienced the worst female abuse in their relationships and they have been victimized by police. I wish someone would teach the legal system that women can be the worst in abusing men. Fortunately I have been married for 30 years to a man who has made my life wonderful. The sad part of this story is that my grandchildren are suffering.


timo   November 7th, 2009 10:36 pm ET

Loreal ... AKA Chris Brown's sister or auntie. Someone close to him that would say anything... just stay in his circle. party with him, get money and/or feel his fame. It's the same circles that supported abusers like OJ and Tyson... So, sad greedy, lonely and poor people that cling to abusive stars... so sad. You are sad loreal!!!


ayana   November 7th, 2009 10:36 pm ET

When you have no talent you have to work with what you got! I do not believe that Rihanna is telling the truth. She has a new CD coming out, and she needs a new image. Chris Brown is far more talented than this girl, and it would be a shame to blame him solely for something that they both did. And by the way, where did you dig Robin Givens up from? She's seems to pop up every few years to talk about the same BS. She's partly to blame for the demse of Mike Tyson!


Len   November 7th, 2009 10:37 pm ET

Larry that age old question is truly boring and insulting as shows on the faces of your panel. Why do children go home everyday for more of the abuses many of them put up with. Why is it more important for children to believe they are loved–to believe the abuse was a mistake instead and won't happen again. Why is it MEN cannot imagine where the need to be loved starts?


Frances   November 7th, 2009 10:40 pm ET

Larry King,
Why don't you listen to your guests?
Nicole's sister JUST said, the question can no longer be "Why do these women stay; but instead ask why do these men hit?" And the very next sentence out of your mouth is a joke about why do women stay and you ask the question again. I am very disappointed in your ongoing inability to listen fully to your guests night after night.


timo   November 7th, 2009 10:41 pm ET

ayana and loeal are same person. Stop telling lies and switching emails.


Rodney   November 7th, 2009 10:50 pm ET

I'm not saying hitting a woman should ever happen it shouldn't. Now from the time I have been on this earth , women hitting men has been accepted. In all the old movies and today slapping, throwing of objects, spitting and so on is acceptable. Women will openly say they have done these types of acts and laugh. I am sure every man has been hit by a woman. I personally have been struck by women. The excuses I have been given was I'm sorry I was just being a stressed, bad day or PMS and so on. Funny huh? As women tell their daughters today to not except being hit , they need to also inform their daughters to never strike a man. I have informed my nephews and all males to never hit a woman. When they feel they need to put their hands on a woman to obtain understanding leave. Now I also have informed males that, if a woman strikes you for any reason leave her and prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law and don't miss a court date. It's only fair hitting is hitting,this goes for men, women, and children. I would just like the topic to be addressed fairly. Today in these times males are the down and reason for everything . I love being a man and I feel women need to be inform on how to be women.


Norman   November 7th, 2009 10:56 pm ET

The only victom on this program is Tina. She broke away from the man "and the money".
If that goofie woman did not know Mike was violent before she married him, I've got a bridge to sale her.
Funny we never heard about O.J. being violent as long as he was shelling out the cash.
And that other chick, I would love her without hitting her, as would thousands of other men. Tell somebody else.


FRANK   November 7th, 2009 11:09 pm ET

Why is it that we tend to be one sided whenever we discuss the issue of men and women in relationship? Most of the time, men are left out of the discourse. That doe not make for balance discussion of the issue on the table.
When issue of domestic abuse is discussed, it is important that the issue be equally represented by men and women so that we can have an objective and two balance sides of the issue.
Your audience will be well informed about the issue at stake. I do not tolerate domestic balance in anyway, but I felt the issue has always been one sided and make a ridicule of the objectiveness of the matter.


Danny F. Quist   November 7th, 2009 11:21 pm ET

Dear Larry,
Domestic Violence might be pertinent to me as well. But what I want to comment on is that, why is it that there was no male contributors on the panel. I think we have to hear the other side of the story too. It takes two to entangle isn't it?
Danny Tokyo.


Leesa   November 7th, 2009 11:45 pm ET

Dear Larry, I am proud of Rihanna using her fame for a worthwhile life saving cause just as the 'KING" Michael did before her she shares space with the Master of Humanity she should be honoured and respected by all. I am an domestic abuse survivor as are 2 of my 3 daughters times change and so does domestic violence it is becoming more and more the cause of death for women young , middle aged and senior. Alot of women are afraid to press charges, where I live the choice isnt the victims anymore the police lay the charges taking the fear of abuser retaliation off them. More needs to be done though.


john smith   November 8th, 2009 1:22 am ET

And a women can't hit a man, you can't take 5 steps back to go one step forward.


Ann Moritz   November 8th, 2009 1:47 am ET

I am blogging in from Canada. I wanted to say that yes, physical abuse is the worst in that you could lose your life. However, I have also dealt in more recent years with emotional and mental abuse. And I thought that it wasn't REAL abuse, because I wasn't getting hit! This is as serious an issue, as it really cuts into your mental health and your self esteem. Most focus on the physical aspect. And also we must look at the guys...they are holding a deep level of ANGER. This is what explodes in them.
But please, someone make women aware that this is the other side of abuse.....not just that you aren't getting along well, or can't communicate well. It can be real abusive to have your man yell at you and call you names, or ridicule you, or even just ignore you. There are many forms of abuse.....all are attempts to gain POWER.


Donald Sawyer   November 8th, 2009 1:48 am ET

I retired from the Air Force 12 years ago and got my degree in pyschology and counseling. I started working as a counselor at the Shelter for Victims of Domestic Violence and the one thing I would share with my clients is what is love. Yes, most women had a confused view of love and I would share that love is patient, kind, does not keep records of wrong, it's not easily angered, or rude, or selfish, it does not delight itself with deception, but with the truth, love perserveres, love hopes and love trust. When, we have the correct definition of love, then we can realize if someone is saying that they love us; we can ask ourselves does it line up with the definition I just described. If not you can immediately see that this person doesn't really love you or doesn't really love you they you want to be loved. Once you know what real love is, it will help you see clearer when someone doesn't know how to show it.


Donald Sawyer   November 8th, 2009 1:56 am ET

Dear Larry, I retired from the Air Force 12 years ago and got my degree in pyschology and counseling. I started working as a counselor at the Shelter for Victims of Domestic Violence and the one thing I would share with my clients is what is love. Yes, most women had a confused view of love and I would share that love is patient, kind, does not keep records of wrong, it's not easily angered, or rude, or selfish, it does not delight itself with deception, but with the truth, love perserveres, love hopes and love trust. When, we have the correct definition of love, then we can realize if someone is saying that they love us; we can ask ourselves does it line up with the definition I just described. If not you can immediately see that this person doesn't really love you or doesn't really love you they you want to be loved. Once you know what real love is, it will help you see clearer when someone doesn't know how to show it.


Tammy   November 8th, 2009 2:02 am ET

I commend Rihanna coming forward and telling people about her story. As for Chris, it seems like he couldn't explain himself. He was too busy babbling.
I do hope people that are in a violent relationship, that they wake up now. My mother was abused by my "dad". And I thank GOD that I have not met a man that was abusive to me or my kids.
I hope Rihanna recovers and Chris gets help. We really don't know the whole story. But they are human too.


Ann Moritz   November 8th, 2009 2:20 am ET

Just reading some of the blogs above mine, and yes you guys, I agree, women can be physically, verbally and emotionally abusive as well. So the thing to look at in both men and women – is the root cause of abuse – of any kind. People get frustrated, and don't have the right psychological tools to handle it – so they lash out. Counseling is the only way to deal with it. NOW here is where the difference lies – MEN very seldom will admit to wrong doing and do not want to attend counseling sessions. Often, women will be the ones to go to try to get help. So you guys think about that!!


Dianna   November 8th, 2009 4:53 am ET

I was a victom of domestic violence. I wanted to leave but didn't feel there was a place for me to go. I am a mature Christian woman and felt ashamed to open up even to my church or family . I knew if I told my brothers they would come and react physicaly to him. Then I was afraid my ex-husband would take advantage and press charges against my brothers. I also stayed becouse I didn't want to be alone. It wasn't until I had a seizure and he left me on the kitchen floor then walked over me I had to leave. I made the dicision if i left I wasn't going back. Once I left I told everone, every thing. Because of my family support and counseling I stayed I have stayed away.


demond   November 8th, 2009 6:40 am ET

First let me say that what Mr. Brown did was wrong and there is no excuse in the world to make it right. However I also do not believe the whole true story has come to light. And it never will because the more Mr. Brown trys to explain the worst it will be for his image.

Second where were all these "women of abuse" at when Kate gosslin was abusing Jon on national T.V. Not one of these women were to be heard from, and no advocate organization(s). So what are you telling male victims of domestic abuse, that because you are male you must take it.


Mark-Anthony   November 8th, 2009 6:40 am ET

if you look at the times you where aggressive to you lover well most of the time this comes from jealousy, though all men has his own excuse. but you do it again then there could be No excuse for your reason


paolo   November 8th, 2009 8:10 am ET

En Europe les Mafias, le terrorisme islamique et ses réseaux de crime organisé, qui touchent à la traque aux filles, enlevements, sequestrations, prostitution, pornographie, commerce de drogue, chantage, extorsions, racket, éliminations de personnes pour les criminels dangereuses et au blanchiment d'argent sale! Prédateurs violents, sadiques et incurables! Ces Démons pratiquent aussi strangulation et les «rites sataniques». Ces Démons kidnappent, aussi, par cupidité. Dans le crâne de ces Démons, bouillonne un magma de haine et de refoulements. Ces Démons pervers, dépourvus de culpabilité fracassent les filles avec un grand plaisir! Ces Démons choisissent toujours des «proies» jeunes, jolies, actives. Et les soumetent, chaque fois, au même rituel macabre: ces Démons les agressent, parce qu'elles doivent être punis, "elles ont commis de mauvaises actions", ils sont la justice et les emportent. Ces Démons les bâillonnent, tranchent leur soutien-gorge et leur culotte avec un couteau, les violent, les dérobent! Ces Démons veulent en plus être payés par leurs «proies», pour «les services qu'ils rendent»! Toujours cyniques, indifférents, provocants. Ces Démons mutile les corps de leur victimes, ils impriment la marque de la servitude sur la chair de leurs proies ! et ils ne ratent pas une occasion de filmer leurs exploits en vidéo.
En France la ville Cannes est la capitale européenne du kidnapping de filles, jeunes femmes et enfants.


Stacey   November 8th, 2009 12:53 pm ET

I hope that with Rihanna speaking about what she had to go through sends the message to other females going to through the same thing. NO man on this earth has the right to put their hands on a women or anybody for that matter. You can't say you love someone and then 5 minutes later beat the s**t out of them. Love is not suppose to hurt..

My message is to any female going through domestic violence is the grass is always greener, no one has the right to put their hands on you, you are not alone, and you deserve better. Stop trying to change your men, they will not change. If a man does it once he will do it again. Once a beater always a beater. Be selfish, think of yourself. Please find the strength to leave him. You are special and deserve to be treated as a queen. You don't need him.


Tamara anderson   November 8th, 2009 1:08 pm ET

Hello Larry I just wanted to say that I applaud Rihanna for having the courage and the strength to tell her story. She is a very strong young woman. during her interview she admitted that she and Chris were dangerous for each other. I strongly believe that she still loves him and he loves her but sometimes love makes you do crazy things-sometimes harmful! I honestly feel that they both are young and i hope you don't believe she didn't fight Chris Brown back. I witnessed my mom get abused something similar to what Ike Turner did to Tina Turner, and that can affect a child and damage him or her in the process! Domestic violence is an issue that has been put on a back burner for many years and now because two young adults have it out its all of a sudden a big deal1 K-ci from Jodeci use to hit on Mary J Blige, keith Sweat, Don Cornelius and rapper Mos Def have all been involved with Domestic abuse, but when a young artist like Chris does it-it's all of a sudden a big deal! I'm glad Rihanna said what she said and how she really felt now the public can't make up stories about what they think is in her mind! I think Rihanna is a very brave woman and if she and Chris get back together than so be it! I don't think Chris should be treated like he's a hardcor e criminal, he did something wrong but you can tell from his responses in earlier interviews that he didn't mean to hurt her and once again he acted off his emotions and so did Rihanna. No its not cool for a man to hit a woman under no circumstances, but what are their role models teaching them?


Avery   November 8th, 2009 6:05 pm ET

We need to stop putting the responsibility to leave solely on the women. The man needs to leave just as much, if not more. These men need to realize that if the women they're with make them that mad and unhappy then they need to LEAVE. And if they do stay to abuse a women, then that's a huge red flag that they are not stable or mature enough to be in a relationship and need to get out. Men need to be taught that if you need to control, call names or manipulate a women into loving you then it's not only unhealthy and wrong but she's not the One. The One is your EQUAL. These men need to leave and get HELP before entering into another relationship. The common demoninator in an abusive relationship is the ABUSER. The women can leave all they want but the abuser is just going to move onto his/her next victim, and the next and the next. Remember O.J. Simpson and Drew Pederson? So I was really disappointed in Larry that he only focused on "why the women stay". Denise Brown is exactly right, why do they hit and abuse? And by "blaming the victim" it only gives abusers out there more power. They know that society will blame them for staying instead of holding them accountable for abusing! So PLEASE put yourself in their shoes for a moment. You marry "for better or for worse", "til death do us part", you have no money because your abuser controls all of it and threatens and keeps tabs on if you try to leave. And you have young children or children in school and all their and your belongs are in that home, you have no transportation or support, a job and other responsibilities to deal with. ***You may not be emotionally or physically READY to uproot your life for the streets or a shelter YET. People do things when their READY. And many of the victims on the show did leave and they do leave. MANY leave and their abusers find them and stock them and kill them. The abuser is the one who SHOULD be taken out of the home and put in JAIL where they belong! Why does the victim and the children have to be put out on the street and victimized again? THE FOCUS SHOULD BE ON THE ***ABUSER***.


Kathryn   November 9th, 2009 8:44 am ET

Did Rihanna leave because she really wanted to or did she leave because Oprah spotlighted and pressured her indirectly.....?

Was she strong enough to have made the decision knowing in her guts that she was as abusive to Chris even if it is verbal abuse?

Why do we psychologically harm our black young men so badly and then we drive the final nail in their casket by telling them that they are cold and do not know how to love then leave them to the jail houses? Why?

Chris was already painted ugly so no matter what he says, Rihanna will come out looking better than he even if she lies.

Men get abused too. They react more physically because they are strung up different to women. Women are very abusive too and they react more verbally with less physical force. Mental and emotional scars often NEVER heal. Rihanna's mouth no longer bleeds and I hope that she now knows how not to be verbally abusive!

Chris's scars will last maybe a lifetime and I hope that he will never hit again.

I strongly believe that she spits a lot of filthy and abusive words at him which makes both of them wrong in my eyes.

These are the girls that mothers have their daughters looking up to as role models. Every parent MUST be the role model in their children's eyes and STOP leaving it to the entertainers!!


pat davis   November 9th, 2009 10:54 am ET

Rhianna left because she was afraid of losing that million dollar contract she has with Cover Girl (amongst other things). And the reason she is speaking now is because she has an album coming out in about two weeks. This is all a publicity scheme. She goes on TV, all humble and ready to confirm all the rumors about Chris Brown are true.....Just in time for everyone to pity her, and say how brave she is and what a role model she is.... and then go buy her album! That interview is DEFINATELY going to boost her record sales. That is why Rhianna is speaking now. I'm sure she and her people had that planned out months ago.

Tamara,

I agree with you I think she still loves Chris Brown too, but she can't get that incident out of her head. It's not like he shoved her a couple of times or something like that, he really lost it! Who gets so upset that they actually bite someone (besides 2 year olds)? She loves him, but I think that attack was so vicious that she just couldn't totally forgive him. I've been in an abusive relationship, and thankfully I got out because the guy ended up incarcerated for other reasons, but once they really hurt you physically, your feelings change. You never feel the same about that person, and yes a part of you doesn't really hate them, but you hate them for what they have done to you, and for ruining the relationship that you've shared together.

Honestly I think if Rhianna didn't have so much at lose career wise, and if the court didn't appoint them to stay away from each other for 5 years...I think she would go back to him.


Oneal   November 10th, 2009 4:51 am ET

larry ur alot older than me you have seen alot of things in ur years. im only a twenty one year old vetran yeah ive been blown up and have a purple heart. but i just think its sad when u put celebirties on ur show who say they have problems. the weak people who are being baby sitted and its funny how all these people blogging know more about sum rich hookers than young kids dying over seas please do some real shows ill even come on and give u news


Loreal   November 11th, 2009 8:45 pm ET

ti mo, I know Chris Brown as about as well as I do you. I don't buy his music and could care less about him as a person. I'm not greedy, sad or lonely. Just keeping it real and stating my opinion. Isn't that what this message board is all about?


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